Grief

Grief sounds like a strange word to connect to chronic illness. At least, it does to healthy people. To chronically ill people it makes perfect sense.

As far as I can see there are three main factors to why chronic illness (& pain) sucks:
1. Pain. Which leads to...
2. Limited mobility/lifestyle changes. Which tends to encourage...
3. A change in other people's attitudes towards you.

Pain is difficult to deal with. You can get by when you twist an ankle, break a bone, or suffer some other acute injury, but when you have constant pain, day in, day out for weeks - months - years - it gets harder and harder to deal with. It sucks the life force out of you. Everything becomes harder. It leads to depression. Depression makes it worse again, because you lose the motivation to take medication and do physio and exercise.

People's attitudes are important, but you soon learn who are your real friends and who aren't worth bothering. It's still a challenge, though.

Right now, I am finding the most difficult thing point number 2. I am 17. I used to go on camps with my girlguides, and I loved it. But now I know that a night in a tent would screw me up so badly I'd barely be able to walk. We used to do hikes together for charity - can you believe I used to walk 13 miles through the Cotswolds? No, I can't either, but I have certificates to prove it. I actually used to be the fittest of my girlguides. I used to power ahead. I went on a walking holiday in the Aeolian Islands just three years ago. I've climbed volcanoes.
Now, walking to school in the morning can leave me in tears. Writing a few sentences can make me cry. Hell, even sitting still I can be in too much pain to focus on my work.
I'm 17. All my friends are turning 18 and throwing parties. Tonight is my oldest friend's 18th. I'm not there right now, because my hips scream at me for walking from the study to the kitchen, let alone across town.

My body sucks. It really, truly does.
Now, I'm going to get drunk.
And when my doctor tells me to have a more positive outlook, I'll bite him.